His ex keeps contacting him, and it really bothers you. What should you do about it? Is it your place to say something to him, or to his ex? When an ex contacts someone you are currently involved with, consider it a real learning experience.
Regardless of what the person you are currently involved with has said about their ex, their actions will show more of the reality of the situation. Your current boyfriend (girlfriend, husband, whatever) may have told you a million times what a bitch their ex was. They may have told you countless stories of how horribly they were treated, and what a psycho or evil person their ex was. They may have given you numerous examples of how they were mistreated by their ex. Should all of this convince you that their ex is no threat to your current relationship?
While what they said about their ex should count for something, how your current partner reacts to their ex when they make contact will show you if their ex is a threat to you or not. Based on what you were told, if an ex were to contact your current partner, they should not even entertain a conversation with them, should they? If they were treated so horribly, why would they even want to have a casual conversation with them? If they have said their ex was a psycho, a troublemaker, or even a manipulator, there should be nothing left to say to them, should there?
If they are happy with you, and don’t want to treat you badly, they should have zero contact with their ex. Their ex should no longer be permitted to interfere in their current life. They should think enough of you to not subject you to their ex’s shenanigans. They should not want you to feel insecure in any way, and are smart enough to know that if they keep in contact with their ex, you would be a fool not to feel insecure. They fought enough in the past with their ex, and should not allow the two of you to fight over their ex.
If there is a future between the two of you, the ex must stay in the past. There should be no room for them in the present, and they should not expect you to “understand”. You don’t care what problems their ex is currently having. Neither should they. It is not their job to help their ex out of a jam. They quit that relationship and it is no longer their responsibility anymore. They are supposed to be dedicated to you, and your relationship, not putting your relationship at risk for someone who did not appreciate them. They may have trouble drawing boundaries and enforcing them, but you should not. You don’t want his ex to become a problem in your relationship.
You may be afraid of losing them to their ex by saying something or giving them an ultimatum. But the truth of the matter is, if you let the ex interfere in your relationship, you are going to lose them anyway. The only real chance you have is to put your foot down. When his ex contacts him, let him know right away you expect him to handle her and for him to make it clear she needs to stop. He is not to engage with her or you will disengage from him. Do not tolerate such disrespect.
He can’t saddle both sides of the fence, he needs to either move forward with you or go backwards to her. Simple as that. He does not need to make you a part of his past dysfunction. If his ex keeps contacting him and he ignores her, fine, no harm done. that is not his fault. He can block her number and eventually she will get the hint. She won’t get the hint if he takes the bait.
So many of you have written in asking what you should do if his ex keeps contacting him. I am telling you right now, it is not in your control if they get back together, it is up to the two of them. If he is going to do it, he is going to do it. The only thing you are in control over is if you allow him to lie to you and make a fool out of you before he leaves you for her. So, do what you can. And the only thing you can do is make his actions match what he said in the past. Either he shuts her out, or you will have to shut him out.
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