Learning My Lesson the Hard Way
A few months ago, my family of six were all at a hotel and it was time for breakfast. It seemed like a simple enough task for my hubby and me: taking the boys to eat breakfast at the hotel buffet. Mind you, my sons are 10, 7, 5, and 2. What could really go wrong? I asked myself with mistaken confidence
Ten minutes in, when five of the muffins had been touched by my 5-year-old’s hands and my toddler was putting every piece of fruit on his plate, I felt my frustration begin to build. Don’t you all know any better? Have you been raised by wild animals? I thought to myself.
At that moment, I pointed to the tongs and said, “This is what you grab food with! Don’t you know what tongs are for? And please don’t put all the apples on your plate! That is rude!”
Then in my heart, I felt a level of conviction as I said the word tongs. It occurred to me that we don’t normally keep tongs laying around at home for the boys to grab their food. And we really don’t eat at buffets when we go out to eat. And maybe I have never told them the importance of not touching someone else’s food because of germs . . . other than just saying, “Don’t touch that!”
I wanted to be disappointed at their behavior. But then I had to ask myself, “Have I ever really done a quick and easy buffet guideline talk?” The answer was no. So were they in the wrong? Or was it me?
Parenting Hack: Teaching Children vs. Telling Them
If I were to ask you what the goal of parenting is . . . what would you say?
- To make children who are good at listening to you?
- To make children who are successful in the world one their own?
At first glance, they may seem like similar questions. But with a closer look, you see they take a parent’s mindset in two different directions.
Certainly the old-school way of parenting pertained to the former, “Do what I say and stay quiet.” I tell you what you need to do and you behave. Parenting is/was all about getting your children to obey you with little resistance or protest.
And while it is clearly very important that children respect and listen to their parents, this doesn’t get to the root of raising responsible humans. This just teaches your children that you get frustrated if they don’t listen to you. Long term, they may be great at letting you know they follow your rules in person but may not care or understand within their own heart why they are making a decision, which long term may translate into making bad decisions once they leave a parent’s wing.
However, if a parent begins to look at their primary role as teaching children how to be in the world, they are likely setting their child up for great success as well as reducing their frustrating moments when a child does something that is contrary to what they believe should be happening. Because their first thought isn’t, “You should do what I want,” but instead, “Have I made sure you understand what is expected of you and why?”
So often, we innately just want our children to listen to us. And hear me say, that is normal! And obedience to our directives is key for our children’s success too! But in addition to obedience, it’s beneficial for our children to understand why we are asking them to do things. We have to teach them what our expectations are. This parenting hack helps us from not having to say the same things over and over again. And teaches them to care about the consequences not just us.
In essence, teaching children does something powerful and necessary for healthy parenting. It changes our parenting from “reactive” parenting that only responds to misbehavior to proactive parenting that aims to stop the behavior before it starts.
Instead of, “Get down right now or you’re going to be in trouble!” We can try saying, “Get down because you can easily fall and hit your head. And my job is to protect you!”
The first method tells them they need to listen or get in trouble. The second method teaches them to understand why their choices are important. It isn’t just about making a parent happy. (Even though a teaching parent still has to offer consequences for disobedience too.) It just leads with a teaching mindset first before consequences.
But there is still a difference with those types of consequences. The child begins to see and feel a more caring message from their parents, “When you choose to do things that cause physical or emotional harm to yourself, I must intervene! Because I want you to make good decisions!”
Instead of them feeling their parent’s job is to tell them what to do, they instead begin to feel that my parent’s job is to guide my decisions because they love me. This increases a child’s desire to want to respond to you quickly. And this means everybody wins.
So how can you use this parenting hack to start teaching children vs. telling them?
1. Identify situations where misbehavior increases.
Instead of waiting for misbehavior to appear, process where you see it most and begin to develop a plan for how you will respond and what your children need to know.
–They cry every time I take them to Target because they want toys, so I will bring a toy in my purse and find one thing they can pick out for them that is something on my list.
2. Talk through what expectations you have before entering this environment.
Once you know where their triggers are, teach them what the plan will be.
–Kids, today when we go to the store, I want you to know we are not buying toys. But, we are buying some things on the list that you can use. I will let you pick out your own toothpaste and shampoo that are just what you like. But we aren’t buying things we don’t need. If you cry and throw a fit for checkout, we will put back the shampoo and toothpaste you picked. You can play with the barbie in my purse as much as you want while you sit.
3. Ask children to explain what the expectations are.
Once you are done explaining, ask them to reflect back what you’ve asked. If they still don’t understand expectations, then explain again. Then don’t forget, the average person has to hear and see the same message at least 7 times to retain it. Then remember for children that expectations will better be respected when reminded more frequently.