You always show up for others, even when that means overbooking your social calendar. You feel most satisfied putting your partner’s needs first, even when you feel burnt out. You feel an incessant need to pick up the slack at work, even when other co-workers aren’t pulling their weight. You’re exhausted and the worst part? No one even knows.
Are You A People Pleaser By Definition?
If this sounds like you, you may have some people-pleasing tendencies. And if you do, you’re not alone in your tendency to be a bit too accommodating. Nearly half of adults (49 percent) self-identified as people-pleasers in a 2022 YouGov poll. Considering society seems to be evenly split between givers and takers, trying to find a happy medium in any relationship can be tricky. Think about it: If there’s one people pleaser in a relationship, they’ll often choose the path of least resistance to keep the other person happy. When two people-pleasers get together, it can create a well-intentioned stalemate of “What do you want to do?” vs. “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
While a healthy relationship is a tango of balancing each person’s desires, “a people pleaser completely stifles their needs and wants, if they even know what they are, and lives their relationships through this very one-sided place,” says Krystal Mazzola Wood. This behaviour is often due to insecurities about their own self-worth, identity and relationships, says Jessica Carbino.
Meet the Experts: Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT, is a certified therapist and the author of Setting Boundaries: 100 Ways to Protect Yourself, Strengthen Your Relationships and Build the Life You Want Starting Now. Jessica Carbino, PhD, is a dating and relationship sociologist who has worked with Tinder and Bumble. Lauren Cook, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in California.
While some key indicators of people-pleasing aren’t inherently negative per se, they can have some negative effects. Ahead, experts break down everything to know about people-pleasing, including five helpful ways to nip it for good.
Signs Of A People Pleaser
They go with the flow…to a fault.
“People pleasers aren’t willing to assert themselves and make their needs known—even if they don’t agree,” says Carbino. “People pleasers kind of have a mindset of ‘I have to do whatever the group wants in order to not compromise the situation, despite what I want.’”
They’re also less likely to be upfront about what they want in a relationship. So, maybe they agree to go on a hike even though they aren’t outdoorsy, or say yes to a sushi date despite their disdain towards seafood.
They have a hard time saying no.
Maintaining an agreeable attitude is super important to people pleasers, says Carbino. They’re inclined to say yes, even if it hinders them, because they often feel guilty if they say no, says Mazzola Wood: “The guilt typically manifests into this idea that if they do say no, then they’re being mean to others.”
So, next time you feel guilty about being unable to attend two birthday parties on the same night, pause for a sec. “Feel the guilt and shift your relationship with it,” says Mazzola Wood. “Then, take the next actionable steps like setting boundaries.” (More on that later!)
They always take the blame.
Instead of playing the blame game, people pleasers will immediately take the fall and issue an apology so they don’t compromise the stability of the relationship, says Carbino. This sign is especially common in friendships—say the non-people pleaser suggests grabbing coffee with you, a people-pleaser, but then they forget about the plans and don’t show up. Rather than acknowledging that it was the other person’s fault that these plans fell through, a people pleaser will apologise for not confirming the plans…even though the coffee date was the other person’s idea.
They stay in unfulfilling relationships.
This is often due to a fear of disappointing their partner or making them upset once they start seriously dating someone else, says Lauren Cook. “People pleasers are more afraid of leaving the relationship, even if that may be in their best interest.”
They forget how to articulate their wants and needs.
One of the biggest indicators of people pleasing is when someone isn’t able to identify their own wants and needs, says Mazzola Wood. Say, for example, it’s your birthday and because you didn’t want to feel like a burden, you didn’t tell your S.O. to make dinner reservations at your favourite restaurant. You’re torn: You secretly feel upset they didn’t reserve a table, but you try to brush it off to avoid upsetting your S.O.
They harbour resentment.
Resentment is something that can build over time and eventually lead to a volcanic explosion of anger, says Cook. This can affect people pleasers, as they love to focus on others’ feelings and will even build you a soapbox to stand on whenever you need to rant. However, sometimes this can create one-sided relationships, resulting in resentment on the people pleaser’s side if they begin to feel like their thoughts and emotions don’t matter, says Mazzola Wood.
They are consumed with being well-liked.
While people pleasers hate being the centre of attention, they do feed off external validation and popularity. This is especially true in large families or friend groups, where it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. However, their need for validation can be at a detriment to their own self-worth.
“If everybody is raving about someone, that becomes a vicious cycle because it feeds the need of a people pleaser,” says Cook. “They are loved more for what they do than who they are.” Because people pleasers tend to put others’ needs before their own, their own desires often fall by the wayside, preventing them from being truly vulnerable with others.
They experience a spike in anxious thoughts.
Does your mind immediately jump to the worst-case scenario? Well, that’s another common sign of people-pleasing. “People pleasers get anxiety about others getting mad at them,” says Cook. “This can lead them to ruminate on things they may have done or said.” Sometimes, a people pleaser will even play out scenarios in their mind in which they try fictionally setting a boundary, but the other person lashes out or cuts them off, adds Cook. This tornado of anxiety can cause someone to spiral.
READ MORE: 13 Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship Or Friendship — And How To GTFO
Causes Of A People Pleaser
Most causes of people-pleasing develop in childhood, where certain traits (like the unrelenting desire to always be the best of the best, whether it’s in school, sports, or amongst your siblings) are applauded or labelled “good.” However, sometimes people-pleasing tendencies can also develop in adulthood via a toxic work environment or unhealthy romantic relationship. The most important thing is being able to identify the root of people-pleasing, so you learn and heal from it:
Inheriting Performance Anxiety
A lot of times, families will put pressure on kids to dominate in sports or get straight As in school. While typically exercised in good faith, this behaviour teaches young people pleasers how to perform for others. It can teach someone to believe that “they can’t make mistakes in order to keep others happy,” says Mazzola Wood.
Lack Of Unconditional Love
“If love or approval was given based on what someone did in the family versus their inherent being of who they are, that can prompt someone to feel like they have to do more and more to earn someone’s love,” says Cook. Conditional love can also occur in romantic relationships in which a people pleaser may feel as though they have to check all of their partner’s boxes to be worthy of their affection.
Fear Of Abandonment
“Abandonment is an emotional wound,” whether it’s experienced at a young age with a parent or as an adult in a romantic relationship, says Mazzola Wood. Individuals who have been neglected in the past will shift the focus onto someone else instead of themselves. They’ll place that person’s needs on a silver platter in hopes of preventing history from repeating itself, says Mazzola Wood.
Harmful Adult Relationships
People-pleasing behaviours can be triggered in adulthood, too. For instance, say someone tries to set boundaries with a toxic coworker only for the professional environment to turn sour. That can greatly diminish someone’s self-confidence and ability to use their voice. This situation can cause someone to overthink so much that “they can’t stand up for themselves in fear of being publicly scrutinised,” says Cook.
READ MORE: 5 Practical Ways To Strengthen Your Relationship
The Negative Effects Of Being A People Pleaser
They experience high levels of anxiety.
“Oftentimes, people pleasers don’t allow themselves the space to celebrate their achievements because they’re too focused on nailing the next big thing,” says Mazzola Wood.
For instance, maybe they were promoted at work, but the position above them is still open for hire. Instead of going out for a celebratory drink, a people pleaser will stifle their accomplishment and ruminate on how they could’ve done better. This go-go-go energy can spiral into high levels of anxiety, excessive thoughts, pressure to perform and even panic attacks, she says.
They tend to have one-sided—and unfulfilling—relationships.
Many love keeping people pleasers around because they make great listeners, but the favour isn’t always returned to them. Because people pleasers often aren’t familiar with expressing their needs or emotions, they may feel like “they are living a life for everyone else and not for themselves,” says Cook. This pattern can lead someone to recluse emotionally and foster deep resentment towards others, which can ultimately manifest into snide remarks, then an all-out argument, and sometimes even break up relationships for good.
They’re lonely.
The pressure to feel like you’re well-liked by everyone can sometimes be isolating. It’s as if you’re a blank canvas upon which each person you’re trying to please can paint their own picture of who they want you to be. “You feel like no one truly knows you and that there are other dimensions of you that are unknown,” says Carbino, because you’re always putting on a show for others. Feeling as though you are alone on an island can cause someone to miss out on professional opportunities or trying new hobbies that could lead to new relationships because you’re so unused to not only being yourself but also being accepted for who that person is.
READ MORE: Here’s How To Spot Secret Addictions And Tips To Break The Cycle
How To Stop Being A People Pleaser
Wait 24 hours before agreeing to or turning down a request.
People pleasers are “yes” people by definition, even if they’re too busy or aren’t particularly interested in the task at hand. So, the next time someone asks for a favour, Cook suggests letting a full 24 hours pass before answering. Not only will you have plenty of time to sleep on the request, but you can also “evaluate whether you’re actually excited about helping out this individual, or just saying yes out of a sense of obligation,” she says.
In the meantime, identify your own needs, wants and feelings.
It can be especially challenging for people pleasers to cultivate genuine intimacy with others. “If we don’t share our truest needs, wants, or feelings with someone, then we aren’t being vulnerable or showing up in the relationship,” says Mazzola Wood. In fact, that’s just reinvigorating the pleasing cycle. If you can’t be vulnerable with yourself, you’ll struggle to share a deeper connection with others.
Use the time you would’ve spent immediately responding to the aforementioned request by prioritising self-exploration through journaling. “Ask yourself what you really think or feel about a person or situation,” says Mazzola Wood. “Determine if a need isn’t being met or if a boundary is being violated and then decide what you need to do to fix that.”
Start saying no.
Now that you’ve given yourself time to assess your wants and needs, it’s time to put what you’ve learned about yourself into action. Although saying no may not come naturally to you, it’s one of the most empowering and invigorating ways to squash people-pleasing habits, says Carbino. If someone asks you to cat-sit for five days in a row while they’re on vacation, say something like: “I’d love to help you with that, but I have prior commitments on a few of those days. However, I can help on one of them.” By responding this way, you’re still offering to help, but are ultimately putting your own needs first, she says.
Plus, saying no to menial tasks like that will show you you’re capable of setting boundaries, says Cook. “You also get to see how the other person reacts—were they trying to take advantage of your kindness, or do they respect your boundaries?” she adds.
Set boundaries.
This step is imperative for improving your mental health, the experts say. However, setting boundaries can be difficult for someone who is more concerned with keeping the peace and putting everyone else’s happiness above their own. “Speaking up for yourself is a muscle and it’s going to take some practice for that muscle to grow stronger and more confident,” says Mazzola Wood.
First, change the way you speak to others by using “I” statements, such as “I feel,” says Mazzola Wood. This way, you’re able to prioritise and express yourself without coming off as accusatory or passive-aggressive. For instance, if your S.O.’s texting style isn’t conducive to your workflow, something along the lines of, “I love that you want to know how my day is going, but work is super busy. What if we have a FaceTime date after work tonight?” This way, you’re setting a clear boundary while also meeting both your and your partner’s needs.
READ MORE: Why You Need Boundaries ASAP
Test out being assertive in relationships where you feel secure.
Being authoritative can sometimes feel overwhelming and foreign to people pleasers. Identify a relationship or two where you feel pretty secure—maybe your mom or childhood best friend—and try being assertive. In these more secure relationships, these people “respect our needs and limits,” Mazzola Wood says. “They want to meet us in the middle.”
So, if your mom asks you to help her clean the house, run errands and set everything up for a family party, tell her you want to help but can only commit to running a few errands for her. This exercise will help you practice voicing your desires and feel more confident in other relationships where the other party may be quick to get defensive, says Carbino. Setting this simple boundary is a step towards being healthily assertive and minimise those people-pleasing tendencies.
With the right tools and plenty of practice, you can start to refocus your people-pleasing habits on the person who really matters: yourself.
This article written by Emily Weaver first appeared on Women’s Health US.
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